09 November 2012

Wrong Turn 5 Bloodlines 2012 - REVIEW

Well, here we go again with another installment of Cannibal Hillbillies Gone Bad. It's a sequel, no a prequel, no... oh who fucking cares at this point. It's just another attempt to cash in on a franchise that outlived it's glory days. So, now that the "Hunger Brothers" have eaten their way through Jeremy Sisto, Kimberly Caldwell and Henry Rollins, it's only natural that they bring in Doug Bradley to try and clean up the mess. As horrid as this franchise has become I still can't seem to stop watching it. Which in turn only makes it worse because as long as people watch, Hollywood will continue making them. What's that old saying, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of them problem? Yep, that's me... helping to make it worse for everybody else!! Hey, if I have to suffer, it's only fair that everyone else does too!

The cutting-edge terror *eye roll* continues when a small mining town hosts the legendary Mountain Man Festival on Halloween, where crowds of costumed partygoers gather for a wild night of music and mischief. But a killer celebration soon gives way to a blood-soaked feeding frenzy when an inbred family of hillbilly cannibals trick and treat themselves to a group of visiting college students who are just dying for a good time...

If you thought the acting in Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead was bad, this is ten times worse. You'd think a film with a budget of $12.6 million would entail a more widespread search for actors who can, oh I dunno... ACT! I just finished watching this film and I can't for the life of me remember one single characters name (other than the hillbilly's and Bradley) because I didn't give a shit about any of them. There is no central character(s) in this film. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be rooting for the victims or the cannibals. You're introduced to a whole bunch of them rather quickly... Camilla Arfweds, Simon Ginty, Roxanne McKee, Paul Luebke, Oliver Hoare, Amy Lennox but not one of them was written with any substance which could be the reason they all came off so inexperienced. Either way, the acting stunk.

I'm so confused on the timeline of this franchise... There's the original Wrong Turn that introduced us to Three Finger, Saw Tooth and One Eye. Then there's Wrong Turn 2: Dead End which only has Three Finger because the others were toasted in the first one but does manage to introduce us to Ma, Pa, brother and sister (no, I'm not kidding). Then there's 3 where we're fortunate enough to meet Three Toes (still not kidding). Oh but wait, we might actually be saved by Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings, a prequel to the original that I actually found very entertaining. Too bad writer/director Declan O'Brien couldn't muster enough imagination to keep that momentum going with this one. I can't tell you where this one fits in because I have no idea. We have the same bad guys from the first one but not the second one so I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say it fits somewhere in between 1 and 2. Confused yet?

The dialogue in this one is so bad sometimes, I facepalmed more than once. With lines like "We're under siege by three crazed hillbillies" and "my eyes, my eyes" how can you go wrong?? I'm facepalming just typing that. Another thing... the film pretty much centers around this HUGE 10th Annual Mountain Man Festival that it NEVER shows. It's mentioned a couple dozen times but...... I was really expecting some kind of Freddy vs. Jason rave massacre where the brothers do a slash and dash on everybody. But alas, nothing. Why was the festival even mentioned if it wasn't going to be explored? I'm assuming it was thrown in to explain why these college students were out in the middle of nowhere but honestly, there are so many other things they could've focused on instead. My advice would be to skip this one and revisit the original, 2 and 4. That's where you'll find the most cannibalistic satisfaction.

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