16 May 2010
The Legend of Bloody Jack 2007 (SPOILERS) - REVIEW
The Legend of Bloody Jack is based on the legend of Jack the Ripper and set in the Alaskan wilderness. It begins with a relative of a murderous occult Lumberjack (GAG) reciting an incantation from an ancient book of spells attempting to resurrect him. Of course he succeeds but isn't able to convince the axe wielding killer that blood is thicker than water and ends up dead. A couple of days later, Ray (Travis Quentin Young), his sister Dawn (Erica Curtis), her boyfriend Nick (Craig Bonacorsi) and a few more of their friends pull up outside a quaint little cabin looking forward to a weekend of relaxation. Unfortunately, the sadistic Lumberjack has plans of his own and starts to slaughter the friends, one by one.
Todd Portugal wrote, directed, produced and edited what can easily be called the most laughable horror movie of the decade. The characters are unlikable and unbelievable. The script is completely nonsensical. The camera work, the editing, the effects... everything was just so bad. I haven't even gotten to the Lumberjack yet. As far as villains go, he's more like Jim Carrey's character in that Lemony Snickets movie. It's almost like Portugal is taking cheap shots at horror fans everywhere. Poking at us in a way that says "You're too stupid to know better." And just when you think it can't get any worse, in comes the "twist" ending.
I'm going to alert you now to **SPOILERS** even though, I'm hoping beyond hope that none of you ever waste your time watching this farce.
So, just before the movie is over, it cuts back to Ray telling his story. Turns out the crapfest we've just sat through for 80 minutes is just him telling a story. His friends berate him for telling such a lame story (I can sympathize) and begin to pick it apart and laugh at him. Then, to add insult to injury, the Lumberjack shows up and kills everyone of them in less than a minute. If he'd done that in the first place it would've saved everyone the time and the headache.
There was obviously no effort put into this film and I'm gonna give you just a few examples how to tell...
It was made clear at the beginning that it was summer in Alaska and that the sun never sets. Well, when Lisa is trapped in the bathroom she climbs out the window. As the audience sees outside, it's clearly dark but when the camera cuts to the exterior shot and her landing on the ground, it's daylight.
Then there's Deputy Vince (Jeremy Flynn) who drops by the cabin for no reason and seems unconcerned that one of the friends is missing and a blood trail has been found. He tells them he can't get a search party out until the morning, leaving the impression that it's nighttime. Then he walks outside, in the brightness and uses a flashlight. (W-T-F!?!?)
Any interior shot that catches a window, you see that it's pitch black out.
There's a scene where Dawn and Nick are sneaking up on Jack as he's chopping away at one of their friends and she says to him... "Don't be nervous." (WHAT?!? Are you fucking kidding me? That has got to be the lamest placement of dialogue in horror history!!!)
Ultimately this movie is a complete joke as a teen slasher. But, let's be honest, what can you expect from the guy who brings us Thumbtanic and The Blair Thumb?
No way would I recommend this movie. Myself? I'd much rather jam a wire hanger up my cooch than watch that mess again.