When we were young we all had a Teddy Bear. Although I don’t think any of my Teddy’s had their mouths sown shut like a scarecrow. Reason for that is, well, it is just a little creepy. If anyone out there did that as a child or in their 20’s well I would like to know so I can make sure not to make friends with you!
Set in the winter of 1996, Teddy begins with an old man stopping to fix his broken down truck. His son (Keegan Bergan) gets out of the truck clutching onto his Teddy Bear, obviously not playing with a full deck as he is well into his 20’s. Seeing a truck coming down the road the old man jumps out in the middle of the road to wave them down. He jumped rather late for a group of people who were drinking and did not see him. He was hit by the truck, splattered blood on the windshield and he was dead. The group jump out of the truck to see what they have done. Clay (Mike Golz) is the first to speak up since he was the one driving and also still holding a beer. He insists he is not taking the fall since they were all drinking. Aaron (Kevin Sommerfield) speaks up to call the police but is sharply shot down my Clay and Aaron conforms because he is kind of a wuss. On Clays command they all roll the old man in the woods so they can get on with their vacation and set up their camping gear down the road. All this is happening while the old man’s son watches still hold his Teddy Bear. Later on that night while Clay is still drinking profusely, they are all sitting around a campfire. Clay and his girlfriend Dana (Dana Terpinas), who is pregnant (with the assholes baby), retreat to their tent to have some hot sex in the woods. I mean what would a short film be without a sex scene. This leaves Aaron and his sister Jenny (Nikita Vora) by the fire. Jenny trails off to go get blankets from the truck leaving her wimp brother by the fire. A man appears behind him with a ski mask and the mouth of it sown like his Teddy Bear and you will never believe what happens next.
As a throwback to the 80’s slasher craze, the movie was directed to the “T” for a slasher movie. I am a huge slasher fan myself it was a fun movie to watch. The acting is mediocre. The characters were very well defined though. Clay was the tough, beer drinker that was really hard to like and you were just thrilled that he died. Aaron was a wimpy, weak willed adult who still hung out with his sister instead of a girlfriend which you can assume he has never had. Dana is the slut who likes jerks like Clay to boss her around and give her some “Pourage”. If you don’t know what that means, after you watch this you will know what that means. Jenny, however, is really not defined.
I wish more slasher throwbacks were out there. I don’t even know why the slasher genre died. It was great, how the hell could a horror fan get bored of a maniac wondering around killing people? Teddy did incorporate what is essential in a slasher, a scary looking crazy man with a mask of some sort on. There is a simple formula and this movie followed it on the dot. Predictable at times, still a bundle of fun. Watch out when you watch it…. it is “beary” scary!
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What was it Matthew Lillard's character said in Scream... 'Cause Let's face it baby, these days, you gotta have a sequel.' That couldn't be truer when it comes to filmmaking these days. Lately it seems movies are made faster than we can even say sequel. Before one is even out and being viewed by an audience they're already working on the next one and before you know it, there's five of them. There's an old saying that goes "the more the merrier" and I suppose in certain situations that might fit but for film franchises it's usually not the case. I'll just go ahead and put it out there and you can dislike or hate me or call me crazy if you want, I promise it won't be anything new BUT...... I'm not a fan of the Saw films. Yes, they broke new ground and gave new life to what some people would call a dying genre and I most definitely appreciate that. I enjoyed the first film, I thought it was really good but they've made so many that the last one (I can't even remember what number they're on) was a cluster fuck of flashbacks referencing the films that preceded in order to make sure everything tied in together. Yawn! Want another confession?? Ok... I love the Scream franchise, all of them, even 3. I think they're fun. There, I said it. Judge me if you must....
It's been twelve years now since James Wong changed the face of horror by ironically bringing audiences a faceless killer.... DEATH him(or her)self. I loved this one. I thought it was an original idea with a cast strong enough to support a very well written script. The deaths were thoroughly thought out. Yes I know that tons of things would've had to go wrong for most of them to happen, but when it all came together, it seemed plausible enough. I admit I was skeptical when I first heard of this film. A bunch of teens cheat death and continue on with their lives until death comes calling once again, picking them off one by one. In fact, I never even bothered to get off my ass and go see it in the theater. Then when it finally hit DVD, I wasn't even the one that brought it home to watch it. I just figured it was another ho-hum film with a 20 something cast trying to act like teenagers. Once I finally sat down to watch it, I was pleasantly surprised and now I watch it every chance I get.
Final Destination 2 came three years later with Clear Rivers (Ali Larter) locked up in a psych ward and a new visionary that foresees the tragic event that will lead (in some way) to the death of many. This time around Death has a different design and a new reason (yes, Death does have reason) for the impending tragedy. With David Ellis at the helm, a new set of writers and a bigger budget one would assume you'd get more thrills and chills but as with most sequels it paled in comparison to the first. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed this one too but it didn't seem to have the same "reach out and grab ya" as the first one did. It also had the one death in the entire series that didn't make sense to me. In all the deaths, there are a progression of ironic events that lead to each death like a woman getting her hair caught in something or a cigarette igniting a fire BUT, when things started moving and closing on their own, I had to call bullshit. Still, I can overlook it because it's well written, has a strong cast and it's definitely a fun film.
Fast forward another three years, bring back James Wong and Glen Morgan and throw in a defective roller coaster and you've got yourself another installment of Death gone bad. Being the third in a series I always assume they'll get progressively worse as they go along but I was pleasantly surprised when I saw this one. The roughest part to get through is, believe it or not, the beginning. There's so much CGI that in my opinion wasn't very well done that it distracts from the events taking place. Once it gets going, it never really slows down and in the end, it turns out to be the goriest FD of the bunch. Definitely made me think twice about working out. It's also the first to introduce the double vision story line. Yep... twice the fun!! Sadly, other than a voice over, it's also the first one of the series that doesn't include and appearance by the great Tony Todd :( All things considered, it's a solid film with good acting and a decent script, nothing over the top fan'freakin'tastic but again, it's a fun film that keeps you on the edge of your seat.
Skip ahead another three years (anyone see a pattern here?), switch directors AGAIN and you've got what is without a doubt the worst film in the franchise. Released in 3D with the same premise as the one before THE Final Destination is a mere shadow of the previous three. The acting was horrible, the deaths were laughable and the writing was such a joke that my brain immediately did a disconnect and rebelled on the entire franchise. It seems everyone involved got distracted by the elements of 3D that they didn't focus on anything other than making it look like tires and rocks were gonna smack you in the face. About half way through, I contemplated stabbing my TV with scissors to see if 3D worked in reverse because I wanted them all dead right then. I didn't want to have to sit through another 40 minutes of it. Granted it was the same premise as the others but it was like they didn't even try. This is a classic case of a film trying to cash in on the 3D craze and that's it. It's like a bunch of people sat around and tried to craft the deaths around 3D and forgot about the story entirely. The only thing that would make me dislike this even more is if I had to sit through it again.
Which brings me to the most recent installment. Final Destination 5... wow, five already? Because of the homicidal feelings 4 brought out in me, I didn't even want to see this one. I kept thinking if 4 was that bad, 5 is really gonna suck balls. In fact, when my 16 year old saw it in the theater she came home raving about how great it was so I had her tell me all about it. I honestly had no intentions of sitting down and watching it at any point and time. Skip ahead to the DVD release and I gave in and brought it home. By the time I got around to it, I'd completely forgotten that she told me all about it. This film was way (and when I say way I mean WAAAAAAAAAAY) better than the one before it. I'd even go so far as to say it gave the original a run for it's money (yep I went there). It was darker than any of the others and very reminiscent of the original which is a good thing. The formula is the same but the twists are much different. The writing is solid, the acting is bulletproof, the CGI is top notch and even Tony Todd is back and has been promoted to Coroner Bludworth. Let's not forget about that ending... O-M-G!! I was speechless (and that's not an easy task)! Fun, fun and more fun!!
A tribute to my favorite slasher of all time, Jason Voorhees. I figured it was fitting since its Friday the 13th. Part 6 is by far my favorite and is also the first Friday the 13th movie that Jason was actually brought back from the dead. The movie is filled with dark humor, a slashing undead madman, and the most surprising of all NO nudity.
On a dark stormy night Tommy Jarvis (Thom Matthews) and his friend from the institution Hawes (Ron Palillo) are driving down the road headed to the cemetery which holds the grave of Jason Voorhees (CJ Graham). The plan is to dig up the grave so Tommy can see he is really dead, and then destroy him. After digging up the casket to reveal Jason in it, Tommy loses it and stabs him repeatedly with a piece of the cemetery’s gate. This sets up the lightning to hit the piece of gate in Jason bringing him back to life. Jason, after disposing of Hawes turns towards Tommy, who runs to his truck to make the getaway. Tommy drives to the local sheriff’s office to report the incident. The only thing he got was a non-believing Sherriff and a nap in a jail cell courtesy of Sherriff Garris (David Kagen). Jason is on the prowl in Crystal Lake again and the only person who has seen this is in a jail cell.
Tom McLoughlin took the director’s chair for this 6th installment of Friday the 13th and wanted to do something different with the series adding a lot of dark humor and a version of Jason that no one has seen before. Jason is an undead zombie who is now even more unstoppable that ever. The movie was filmed in Covington, Georgia and the scenes in the woods were at Camp Daniel Morgan, right outside of Covington. The acting was what people came to expect out of the Friday movies, a bunch of faces that have not seen a lot of screen time with a mediocre performance. That’s not to say that the movie is bad. The acting added a lot to the humor they were trying to achieve with this segment and it was delivered as intended.
Jason Voorhees is my favorite serial killer. I have seen all of the movies so many times he is almost part of the family. Part 6 was actually the first Friday movie I ever saw, which is part of the reason why it’s my favorite. I did recently have the pleasure of meeting the director Tom McLoughlin and his lovely wife Nancy who was also in the movie as Lizabeth. Along with them I met Thom Matthews and David Kagen as well. Every single one of them is great people and was as nice as could be. Tom and Nancy stood around and just talked for at least 20 minutes. Everyone in the movie seemed to have chemistry and after meeting so many of them I can see why. Happy Friday the 13th Freaks!
Let me say I am not a fan of comic books being made into movies, but I can make an exception for The Crow. One of the darker comics made a brilliant transfer to the big screen with Brandon Lee’s breakthrough role, and also his last. While The Crow was a success in the box office it was surrounded by controversy due to the accidental death of Brandon Lee on the set. Lee was shot in the abdomen by an object that was lodged in a gun and passed away shortly thereafter.
On the day before Halloween, also referred to in the movie as Devil’s Night is where our movie begins. Police surround an apartment building were Eric Draven (Brandon Lee) and Shelly Webster (Sofia Shinas) were murdered. A gang of thugs had barged in with only Shelly at home to clear out the place for eviction. Shelly and Eric had written to the landlord, Top Dollar (Michael Wincott), petitioning the eviction and fighting it. T-Bird (David Patrick Kelly), Funboy (Michael Massee), Skank (Angel David), and Tin Tin (Laurence Mason) proceed to rape and beat Shelly. When Eric walks in he is immediately punctured with a knife thrown at him by Tin Tin. Eric’s body is picked up and flung out the window falling to his death. Shelly was clinging to life for 30 hours in the hospital and then passed away as well. The movie picks up a year later with a crow perched on top of Eric’s gravestone. The crow resurrects Eric so that he may avenge his death and the death of his bride to be Shelly. The crow leads him to a dumpster for shoes and back to his old apartment where he finds clothing and the memories he needs to fuel his revenge on the ones who murdered them and show them the same fate that he met a year ago. “It’s not a good day to be a bad guy”!
The Crow is a very dark film that depicts what happens when you are wronged and given a second chance to make things right. The acting was fantastic. This was tagged as Brandon Lee’s breakthrough role and delivered nothing short of that. Ernie Hudson also has a lead in this movie as a detective demoted to beat cop after spending countless hours trying to solve the murder of Eric and Shelly. All of the villains are veteran actors who were outstanding namely the ring leader Top Dollar. Michael’s deep raspy voice and long flowing dark hair made the creepiness of his character all that more effective.
At the time of his death during the filming of this movie Brandon Lee was my favorite actor. I was 13 years old and very in to the martial arts action movies of the 1990’s. Having heard about Brandon’s demise I was heartbroken. The only thing that could heal this was “more cowbell”. Just kidding! The one thing I needed to bring closure to my favorite actor was to see his last movie, and that I did. On opening night I was with my Dad at the movie theater with popcorn in hand, almost giddy to see The Crow. In my eyes it was nothing short of amazing watching Brandon Lee kick some fucking ass. This became my favorite movies never to be topped by another for me and finally bring closure to me the untimely and tragic death of Brandon Lee. Rest in Peace Brandon. This is one fan who will never forget the short legacy you left behind.
Over the years, we've been bombarded with films where people are trapped in small places.... elevators (Devil), phone booths (Phone Booth), coffins (Buried) panic rooms (Panic Room)... all in an effort to suck the viewer into a claustrophobic nightmare. But this one, an ATM? Really?? There are so many things wrong with this one that I'm not even gonna go there. Just watching the trailer made me roll my eyes, gasp in disbelief and really kinda left me pissed off. You can watch it here and I'm sure most would agree that this is in no way appealing or interesting in any way. Well, maybe the teenage audience who grew up watching Drake & Josh will enjoy it but I'll probably be waiting for it to show up on HBO or something.
Hold onto your barf bag. You might need it by the end of the film as you view the slicing, tearing, ripping, gashing, stabbing, impaling, beating, squishing, choking, burning, staking, cutting, hacking, dismembering, decapitating, hanging, bashing, dicing, chopping, crushing, pounding, spearing, scalping, suffocating, deaths the psychotic serial killers hand out to anyone that is in their path of vengeance. Since there are five separate stories in this anthology, I feel it only fair to split them up and review them all separately.
Chapter 1 - Rampage Chris is just an average guy, living an average life until he's attacked during a late night run, severely beaten and left for dead. He's found alive the next morning but something has changed inside him. All he can see is red and he takes out his revenge on any and everyone that gets in his way, including the woman who finds and tries to help him. Things happen so quickly in this short and there's no real character development or explanation of why Chris is doing what he does. I get it that he's mad as hell about being left for dead (I would be too!) but I didn't really get why he just took aim at everyone, killing them with whatever tool is around, including a skateboard and a remote control :/ I got the feeling that Chris was written to kill just for the sake of killing and that's not really my bag. (Yes, I am the Gore Whore but I like my gore with a little plot... sorry!) I was also expecting a gore fest like none other and I got that BUT, it was in splatters and whacks of CGI. Practical effects have always been an important part of horror to me and the ones that ARE done here, are done extremely well. It was so full of CGI that at times it was like watching my son play a video game and it was very distracting for me.
Chapter 2 - Lump Lori (Nick Principe) is a paraplegic hermaphrodite who's body has been devastated by spina bifeda. Throw in a caring mother who's not willing to give up on her sick "daughter", a beautiful, spiteful yet very jealous sister and a step brother that's... well... I'll just say a little slow and you've got your plot. The difference between this chapter and the first is that it actually has some substance. I was extremely surprised by Principe's performance. I've only ever seen him as the "tough guy" type so I was pleased to see that he brought a softness to his character that not only made you like her but made you root for her to come out on top.
Chapter 3 - Son of the Boogieman 36 years ago, Jesse's mother was raped by his biological father. They've spent that time running and hiding in fear thinking he would come back. Now he has and he wants what it his. This was the shortest film of the bunch with a run time of 11 minutes or so, luckily it's only 11 minutes. For me, this was one of the worst and I ended up feeling the same about this one as the first one. There's absolutely no character development, way too much CGI and really no obvious plot.
Chapter 4 - Burn This one is based on the legend of two firefighters who were lovers. When the rest of the guys in the station found out, they trapped them during a forest fire and left them to burn to death. Now they haunt the woods that became their graves seeking revenge on anyone who lights a fire without saying a prayer for them first... mkay. We learn all this through the campfire tales of a church youth group who have unwittingly stumbled into the wrong part of the woods. There were a lot of practical effects in this one and they were good, damn good but again, it was riddled with so much bad CGI that it was distracting. I'm not sure I really get the whole plot of this one either... I mean I get it, I just don't think it made that much sense.
Chapter 5 took place in between the four shorts with three serial killers giving some dialogue about why they enjoy killing so much. The last scene is a stand off between them and the police after they've escaped and gone on a killing spree together. This one is where I had the most "I must be watching a video game" thoughts. It was just pointless and bad.
I know that director Joe Castro doesn't really care what bloggers have to say about his film and that's cool, I'll still give them an A for effort because I can appreciate that they were trying to bring something new to the table but it didn't quite work out for me. I don't know if it all the CGI work was done due to budget limitations or if that's what it took to get the kill quota high enough to break a record but it was just way over the top. I know I'm in the minority here, I've seen some rave reviews for TSOM, it just wasn't my thing and I'm not prepared to say I liked it when I didn't.
Set in the winter of 1996, Teddy begins with an old man stopping to fix his broken down truck. His son (Keegan Bergan) gets out of the truck clutching onto his Teddy Bear, obviously not playing with a full deck as he is well into his 20’s. Seeing a truck coming down the road the old man jumps out in the middle of the road to wave them down. He jumped rather late for a group of people who were drinking and did not see him. He was hit by the truck, splattered blood on the windshield and he was dead. The group jump out of the truck to see what they have done. Clay (Mike Golz) is the first to speak up since he was the one driving and also still holding a beer. He insists he is not taking the fall since they were all drinking. Aaron (Kevin Sommerfield) speaks up to call the police but is sharply shot down my Clay and Aaron conforms because he is kind of a wuss. On Clays command they all roll the old man in the woods so they can get on with their vacation and set up their camping gear down the road. All this is happening while the old man’s son watches still hold his Teddy Bear. Later on that night while Clay is still drinking profusely, they are all sitting around a campfire. Clay and his girlfriend Dana (Dana Terpinas), who is pregnant (with the assholes baby), retreat to their tent to have some hot sex in the woods. I mean what would a short film be without a sex scene. This leaves Aaron and his sister Jenny (Nikita Vora) by the fire. Jenny trails off to go get blankets from the truck leaving her wimp brother by the fire. A man appears behind him with a ski mask and the mouth of it sown like his Teddy Bear and you will never believe what happens next. 
As a throwback to the 80’s slasher craze, the movie was directed to the “T” for a slasher movie. I am a huge slasher fan myself it was a fun movie to watch. The acting is mediocre. The characters were very well defined though. Clay was the tough, beer drinker that was really hard to like and you were just thrilled that he died. Aaron was a wimpy, weak willed adult who still hung out with his sister instead of a girlfriend which you can assume he has never had. Dana is the slut who likes jerks like Clay to boss her around and give her some “Pourage”. If you don’t know what that means, after you watch this you will know what that means. Jenny, however, is really not defined.
