The Roommate 2011 - REVIEW

What's the difference between mainstream Hollywood horror/thrillers and Indie horror/thrillers? Money? Big names? Access to great locations? The answer is yes, all of the above. BUT, let's explore that a bit by using some of my favorite Indie horrors and comparing them to The Roommate.
We'll start off with one I recently watched, Raymond Did It, which had an estimated budget of 40K, a couple of scream queens and they used the crew's houses (if I remember correctly) as their locations.
Paranormal Activity burst onto the big screen on a budget of and estimated 15K, a cast of basically "unknowns" and was shot entirely in one apartment.
The Dark Hours had a little bit of a bigger budget of 500K (estimated), a more "known" cast and was done in a cabin in the woods.
Which brings me to Pontypool my Pontypool. It cracks the 1 mil mark and had the very well known Stephen McHattie in it but was done in the basement of a church.
You're probably wondering why I'm bothering you with all this useless knowledge? I promise, I'll get to that and then you'll understand.

Sara (Minka Kelly) is a small town girl who comes to LA to study fashion. She ends up rooming with Rebecca (Leighton Meester), who seems nice enough at first. It's not long before the obsessive and extremely psychotic Rebecca grows envoious of anyone else in Sara's life and decides she would be better off without them.

I am not a Meester fan. In my opinion being able to pout your way through the entire film doesn't qualify you as a good actor. I've seen several of her films and I can honestly say that I didn't like her performance in any of them. Kelly just kinda grinned the entire time and I'm honestly not sure if Cam Gigandet can talk with his eyes open or not. Yes, it's cute and the teeny boppers will love it but come on! Characters that could've elevated the level of the film were ignored, i.e. Billy Zane and Danneel Harris, to the point of one minute they were there and the next gone with some stupid, shitty explanation of what happened to them. Maybe the oddest thing about the whole thing is after going through all the trouble to get rid of all the other people in Sara's life, Rebecca doesn't even target Gigandet. No, giving him a stupid look through a bookshelf is not considered scary or creepy it's just... weird.

This film was just all over the place. Almost like it was shot one way and then someone who wanted to fuck with Christian E. Christiansen snuck in and chopped the fuck out of it. Scenes that could've and should've been left out dragged on for what seemed like an eternity. There was very little discussion of Rebecca's psychosis... HELLO MCFLY... isn't that the whole focus of the story? If someone is a fucking nut job there's always a reason for it, be it an outside influence or just being dealt a fucked up hand in life. Either way, explain it! Someone should tell Sonny Mallhi that a simple little pout or pissy look can't tell the story for him. And not only that, it can sometimes be mistaken for constipation. When it was all said and done, this was nothing but an over glorified CW show that should've just been made for TV. See how nice I am, I'm not even gonna point out the fact that this was merely a rip off of the far superior 1992 Single White Female... oops, I didn't it anyway. My bad.

So, back to my opening remarks... If Paranormal Activity and Raymond Did It can come off as good as they did with a budget of less than 40K and unknown actors, why the fuck is Hollywood still throwing money into huge productions and overpaying actors who wouldn't know what to do with a script if the directions were tattooed on their eyelids. The Roommate cost 16 million dollars to make and what did they end up with... A ripped off (Single White Female) belly button ring and no blood, a tumble dried little kitty and no blood, a murder and no blood and a sex scene so bland a Baptist preacher could sit and watch with his teenage daughter. Kinda makes you wonder where 16 million dollars went huh? Calling this film a thriller is like calling Twilight a horror film, no one will believe you and it's quite possible you might get hit.
Avoid this film, avoid the DVD, it's not even worth a free Netflix instant queue viewing.

Drive Thru 2007 - REVIEW

Like most of my friends and colleagues, I'm not a horror movie snob. I enjoy the occasional fun film. You know, the typical B-movie full of cheesy one liners and bad jokes. Yes, I thoroughly enjoy films like Sleepaway Camp and the original Piranha but that's because they have that something special. I can't tell you what it is I just know they have it. This one, however, is one of those films I look at and say "How does someone get funding for this CRAP!?" I know so many great writers that have stacks and stacks of scripts sitting on a desk with a stack of denials just as high next to it. I'll be sure and tell them to dumb it way down before submitting it again. I guess it's all about perception and opinion. No doubt not everyone will agree with me all the time. I'm sure there are people out there that actually bought this film, God forbid, because they liked it so much. Rest assured, this will NOT be one you'll find on the shelf at my house.

High schooler Mackenzie Carpenter (Leighton Meester) thinks her biggest problem is dying of boredom in the bucolic wasteland of Orange County... until her classmates start disappearing and Horny The Clown (Van De La Plante), the mascot for local burger favorite HELLA-BURGER, begins madly stalking her. It isn't until Mac discovers her unbelievable connection to Horny and his victims that she realizes, if she's going to live to see 18, she must come face-to-face with the... killer clown in the bloodiest week Blanca Carne, California, has ever known.

Meester gave her same old wooden performance. I swear that girl only has two expressions... pouty and grouchy. I didn't even know who Nicholas D'Agosto was and honestly, after this I still won't. Melora Hardin seemed to put up some kind of effort at least. In a subtle twist of irony, Morgan Spurlock, producer of the documentary Super Size Me made an appearance. No doubt an inside joke referencing how fast food can kill you. I had a hard time believing even bad actors could say all the crappy dialogue with a straight face. The only shining star in the bunch was Lola Glaudini of Criminal Minds fame. According to Criminal Minds spokesperson, Glaudini quit the show saying she didn't like living in LA. Had she actually left, she might not have ended up in such a shitty movie. Hmm, wonder where she is now? Let's have a look....... ahh, a new TV show, Persons Unknown, with that one guy... yeah, he's cute. SHIT... I'm in the middle of a review. Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, the rest of the cast wasn't memorable in any way and they all died so who cares. (kidding)

Watching this, I kinda felt like I was stuck in Halloween III: Season of the Witch I didn't really wanna watch it but there was this unstoppable force that made me and by the half way point I totally expected brain goo to come seeping out of my eyes. The plot was lame, the script was lamer (is that a word). I'm not sure what Brendan Cowles and Shane Kuhn were thinking when they came up with concept. While there was a good bit of gore and a few somewhat clever kills, there wasn't enough to make up for the abundance of ridiculous things going on. First you have a supernatural killer clown, who I'll admit was a bit on the creepy side, then there's the dried up back story that's way over used. I don't even wanna mention the useless, dimwitted, overweight cop that is constantly chowing on something while there are dead bodies laying at his feet. There are so many TV, movie, music and political references that I lost count. Oh and did I mention that the supernatural killer clown communicates through Ouija Boards, Magic 8 Balls, Etch a Sketches and gumball machines? Yeah...... There are also some major directing or editing errors. Meester's hair is dark brown with burgundy stripes in one shot and in the next shot it's blond. How does that get by? So... so much wrong with this film. And of course the end leaves an opening for a sequel which I've just learned is in production... God help us all. The fact that I sat through this entire shit fest is a testament to my mood and seriously makes me question my judgement. As a matter of fact, the best part of the whole thing was the end where they showed the bloopers. That was more entertaining than the film itself.

I don't normally add taglines and quotes in my reviews but I'm gonna make an exception for this one. The tagline is: At Hella Burger, It Won't Be The Food That Kills You... But You'll Wish It Did. If that's what it takes to unwatch this one, then I'm game. If nothing else, this one could win an award for the dumbest dialogue in a film with this quote: "What's this all got to do with Horny the Clown? I grew up with that lovable son of a bitch. It's kinda like finding out Captain Kangaroo has pieces of Mr. Green Jeans in his freezer." Movie gold my friends... movie gold.